JOKES (Guaranteed 100% Bookmarkable)

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40
travellers here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just  the dozen
in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've
gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the f***ing gates'.

www.comedian.ws

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against t he sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath .... I pledge it to the end 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel it's true warmth.

Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel...

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

 www.comedian.ws

In court, the haulage company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus who was in the process of claiming compensation.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Justanswer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am tryingto establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. " Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans".

"Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*ck would you have said?"

 

WWW.COMEDIAN.WS

S O M E T I M E S

Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain.
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes.
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress

Sometimes.
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile ..
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
But  FART !!   just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!

www.comedian.ws

Operator: 999, What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
          house on the corner.
Operator:  Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a white blouse and denim skirt, why?
==========================================================
==========================================================

Operator:999, What is your emergency?
Caller:  Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
           and cheese sandwich.
Operator: Excuse me?
Caller:  I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
          table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
          taken a bite out of it.
Operator:  Was anything else taken?
Caller:  No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
          of it!
==========================================================
==========================================================

Dispatcher: 9-1-1. What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller:   I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
           an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller:    I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
                 thing.
Caller:    Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
==========================================================
==========================================================

Dispatcher: 999, What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller:    My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
            minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller:    No, you idiot! This is her husband!
==========================================================
==========================================================

And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 999.
Caller:   Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
            Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller:   I'm at a pay phone, on Scropton Street.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller:   No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
                 breathing?
Caller:   Running from the Police.

www.comedian.ws

BRITISH CHILDREN TOO UGLY, SAYS GLITTER

GLAM rock Feedopile Gary Glitter has refused to return to the United Kingdom, insisting British children are far too fat and ugly.

Should Gary Glitter be forced to live in a balloon?

He failed to board his flight to the UK from Bangkok last night, claiming the average British 12 year-old now looks like a short, chubby version of Dot Cotton.
Recovering from a pretend heart attack, the former pop star said: "They're all so porky these days and I've never been a fan of love handles. They've got little fat hands, big puffy cheeks and terrible teeth."
Glitter blamed the government for allowing British children to get so 'woefully out of shape' and called for a ban on trans fats and extra investment to provide free swimming lessons with Len Fairclough at local authority leisure centres.
He added: "Trans fats can be found in thousands of processed foods from sweets and biscuits to ready meals.
"They are used because they are cheap, add bulk to products, have a neutral flavour and give products a long shelf life.
"But they have no nutritional value and have been linked to high cholesterol, heart disease and making children distinctly unappealing."
Glitter insisted he would only return to the UK if he was allowed to run some kind of pre-teen health and fitness club.

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