austin's profileJOKES (Guaranteed 99.9% ...PhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
JOKES (Guaranteed 99.9% Bookmarkable)This Jokey-Blog may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggar's cap. It enhances Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
The Imperious Panhandler of this Jokey-Blog cannot be held responsible for brain cells that are lost during your visit.
|
February, 2010 My Survey...I surveyed 100 women and asked them what brand of shampoo did they use while showering.
98% of them said:
"How the fuck did you get in here?!?!"
 January, 2010 Dads are more honest!"Mum? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand."
Woman goes to the doctor…A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .
U.N Survey….A worldwide telephone survey conducted by the U.N. last month was a complete flop. The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a failure because of the following: Non-Stick Nora’s dishwasher quit working so she called a plumber. As she had to go to work the next day, she told the plumber, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the invoice on the worktop and I'll send you a cheque." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I repeat; do not talk to my parrot!” When he got there he saw the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, as she said, he just lay on the carpet and watched him work. He didn't bother him at all. The parrot however, drove him crackers the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the plumber couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up you ugly looking bird!" To which the parrot replied, " Go get him, Spike!" Joey and his classmates had just finished an educational tour of the local fire station. Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica,where do they go ? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole. So, now we know. Fascinating innit!! I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Now, get back to work!
January, 2010 When you purchase a bike, make sure the colour of bike seat is taken into consideration!Breaking News…The missus is a stunner (she works down the abattoir) and I was absolutely flabbergasted when she curtly informed me this week that wants to end our relationship. Why? Because she reckons that I love football more than I love her. It's really upset me. I've been with her for eleven seasons. Man City manager Roberto Mancini has promised to bring in a new face during the January transfer window. My mole at Eastlands informs me that both Tevez and Lescott are fighting over who should have it! Breaking News: Manchester United are trying to raise millions from new investors in a bid to swell dwindling coffers at the club. Police also wish to interview three men wearing grotesque face masks, who talk with an American accent and were last seen hanging around Old Trafford about five years ago. I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. Two women travellers, obviously nervous about their flight, bought some "Doctor, I have a pretty bad sore throat." I have a wonderful message to give you about growing old, but I’ve forgotten what it was. Humour is like a rubber sword, it allows you to make a point, without drawing blood. Then again wit itself is akin to a mask. If you tear back it’s gossamer façade, you will discover cleverness wriggling, or genius irritated. Nurse, fetch the screens! Clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com or email me at: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
January, 2010 Happy New 2010...Begin the New Year on the right foot, and start 2010 correctly! Don’t forget to say those all-important, three little words to the missus. "I'm off out." See you in the fracture clinic at Tameside General.
Apparently, the most popular new years resolution, is to stop smoking. If you are unable to stop puffing on the obnoxious weed completely, then just cut down. Just smoke after meals. Try and get down to about sixty meals per day.
Don’t bore the missus by making up the same stoopid excuse for having to go down the pub. Think of some different excuses.
Stop worrying about life and don’t worry about the past. It will get you nowhere. It’s a one-way ticket to Polukaville. I’ve decided to start worrying about the future instead
Global Warming. Do YOUR bit! Do less laundry and use more deodorant. Think of the ozone layer. Carbon footsteps can exacerbate innocent polar bears demise. He could very well slip on the ice. Hey there, Mr. Polar Bear, listen up! Gerrit Gritted!
On the same subject, a primary school pupil was asked by the teacher to name six animals that specifically live in the Antarctic. He replied, “Two polar bears and four seals.” Incredible innit!
My next-door neighbour Barmy Albert sez to his wife (Non-Stick Nora – she has a face like a pirates flag!) “What would you do if I won the New Year Euro Millions Lottery?” She frostily opined, “I’d take half of it and leave you.” “Brilliant” he sez, “I won twelve quid, here’s six, now sod off!” Parting is such sweet sorrow innit!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper, Groceries are heavier, and, everything is much further away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was flabbergasted to discover how long our street had become!
Last year, I was at the airport, checking in at the checking-in thingy, when the girl behind the desk sez, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, then how would I know?' She smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' What’s all that about then? The pelican crossing on our High Street bleeps when it's on red and therefore safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged, blonde friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the bleeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”
“I need help with my hearing” the man says. The priest sticks his fingers in the man's ear and prays. “How's your hearing now?” he asks.” "I don't know” says the man “It's not till next Tuesday...”
I didn’t fail in 2009 – I merely found ten thousand jokes that weren’t funny! Make a difference in 2010 by reading this column regularly and furthering your comical position within the funny farm of life’s rich chortling tapestry. Fancy a New Year surf on the interweb? Then visit www.ComedianUK.com or a give me a ‘2010 Tweet’ on www.twitter.com/comedianuk
December, 2009 Sleigh Bells & Other Gubbins…A travel agent looked up from his desk on New Years Eve and saw an older lady and an older gentleman peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week, and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop. so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?" It was New Years Eve and this fella came home early, only to find his best mate in bed was his wife. Anger took over and he strangled him to death. His wife shook her head in dismay and said, “If you keep on behaving like this, your gonna have no friends left.” I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That's why we ask.” THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: HSE Guidance for the singing of 'Festive Songs' Little Donkey If it’s Christmas get a turkey, if it’s raining get a Capon. May I wish all my readers a prosperous and happy new year 2010. Mind you, I did the same in 2009, and look how we messed that up!! Make it a new year resolution to visit my website and Jokey-Blog. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com or why not gizz us a new year Tweet on www.twitter.com/comedianuk Now, get back to work and shovel that snow!
December, 2009 Its THAT Time of year again innit!!If you see a fat man, who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit. And if he is laughing and chuckling away, whilst flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then lets face it, you’re pissed! Gerroff home!
I asked our butcher how long a turkey would last in the freezer, he told me "about three months". I sez " Thats very strange, coz I put one in the freezer last night and it was dead this morning."
Whilst doing a bit of Krimbo shopping, I popped into a record shop and asked the assistant "What have you got by The Doors?", she replied, "A bucket of sand and the security bloke". Whats all that about then?
Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. I told them to get lost. Anyone who can fit into my clothes certainly ain’t starving!
After a Christmas party gig that I did recently in a Manchester hotel, I decided to visit the residents bar. and ordered a mug of ‘Farquaharsons Famous Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer’. Feeling immensely confident, I sidled up to a voluptuous young woman and pronounced in my best Richard Burton voice "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at me and said, "For the first two-thirds of it, I probably wasn't even born yet." Oh dear! Hat and coat time already!
The missus (or Monsters Inc in Matalan, as I lovingly refer to her) informed me that she had been to an Ann Summers Christmas party. Apparently, it’s just like a Tupperware party, but with batteries and lotsa tinsel. She purchased a couple of really odd items, such as some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. I don't eat her cooking, so I'm not going to eat her vest am I? She reckoned that if we went upstairs and I handcuffed her to the bed, I could do anything that I wanted. So I handcuffed her to the bed, then I went to the pub.
Moreover, on a chilly winter evening, this week, I was lying on the sofa with the missus watching television. During the commercial break, I reached over and
With Christmastide on the horizon, I made a point this week to finish off a few things that I have started. So today, I’ve finished off half a bottle of vodka, a tin of Quality Street, two cans of lager that I found at the back of the kitchen cupboard and a large packet of Nachos, that went ‘out of date’ last September. They tasted okay to me! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk. Now, get back to work!
If you see a fat man, who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit. And if he is laughing and chuckling away, whilst flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then lets face it, you’re drunk! Gerroff home!
I asked our butcher how long a turkey would last in the freezer, he told me "about three months". I sez " Thats very strange, coz I put one in the freezer last night and it was dead this morning."
Whilst doing a bit of Krimbo shopping, I popped into a record shop and asked the assistant "What have you got by The Doors?", she replied, "A bucket of sand and the security bloke". Whats all that about then?
Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. I told them to get lost. Anyone who can fit into my clothes certainly ain’t starving!
After a Christmas party gig that I did recently in a Manchester hotel, I decided to visit the residents bar. and ordered a mug of ‘Farquaharsons Famous Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer’. Feeling immensely confident, I sidled up to a voluptuous young woman and pronounced in my best Richard Burton voice "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at me and said, "For the first two-thirds of it, I probably wasn't even born yet." Oh dear! Hat and coat time already!
The missus (or Monsters Inc in Matalan, as I lovingly refer to her) informed me that she had been to an Ann Summers Christmas party. Apparently, it’s just like a Tupperware party, but with batteries and lotsa tinsel. She purchased a couple of really odd items, such as some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. I don't eat her cooking, so I'm not going to eat her vest am I? She reckoned that if we went upstairs and I handcuffed her to the bed, I could do anything that I wanted. So I handcuffed her to the bed, then I went to the pub.
Moreover, on a chilly winter evening, this week, I was lying on the sofa with the missus watching television. During the commercial break, I reached over and
With Christmastide on the horizon, I made a point this week to finish off a few things that I have started. So today, I’ve finished off half a bottle of vodka, a tin of Quality Street, two cans of lager that I found at the back of the kitchen cupboard and a large packet of Nachos, that went ‘out of date’ last September. They tasted okay to me! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk. Now, get back to work!
|
Your ideas and concepts concerning this Jokey-Blog are welcome. I have purchased a brand new, state-of-the-art shredder.
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
+-+Windows+Live&referrer=){kind=small}
