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JOKES (Guaranteed 99.9% Bookmarkable)This Jokey-Blog may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggar's cap. It enhances Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. |
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The Imperious Panhandler of this Jokey-Blog cannot be held responsible for brain cells that are lost during your visit.
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November, 2009 Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational,which once again, asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: 1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having flat stomach. 4 Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent. 6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. 7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.  October, 2009 I love this Doctor.....Doctor Warwick Hunt.  Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it.... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain.. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat - And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat - And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine - And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine - And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats - And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 Brilliant letter from: NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARKFARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JTRt Hon David Miliband MP Secretary of State. Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA), Nobel House 17 Smith Square London SW1P 3JR 16 July 2009 Dear Secretary of State, My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs.. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business. In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these? As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this? My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases? Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear? I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)? In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election. Yours faithfully, Nigel Johnson-Hill  October, 2009 The Balloonist.. A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am" Memorable quotes over the years from football managers…Malcolm Allison: A lot of hard work went into this defeat. Ron Atkinson 1. I needed to give my players some technical advice - I told them that the game had started. 2. I never criticise referees and I won’t change a habit for that pratt. Craig Brown: Kevin Keegan and I have 63 international caps between us – he has 63 and I have none. Kevin Keegan: In some ways cramp is worse than having a broken leg. Brian Clough: Do you know that Sinatra once met me. Sven-Goran Eriksson: Before his first game as England manager: I’m nervous about meeting so many people. It’s like when you go out with a woman for the first time, you’re bound to wonder how it will end up. Sir Alf Ramsey: There is great harmonium in the dressing room. David Pleat: To a 17 year old Neil Ruddock – ‘When you finish playing football young man, which I feel will be very soon, you will make a very good security guard. Sir Bobby Robson: 1.I would have given my right arm to have been a pianist. 2. We don’t want our players to be monks. We want football players; a monk doesn’t play football at their level. Lawrie McMenemy: When you are 4-0 up you don’t expect to lose 7-1. Bill Shankly: To Celtic manager Jock Stein at Anfield – ‘Jock. Do you want your share of the gate money or shall we just return the empties. Jose Mourinho: On his predecessor at Chelsea, Claudio Ranieri – I could say what has he ever won, but I won’t. Sir Alex Ferguson: When I was at St. Mirren it was a desolate place. Even the birds woke up coughing. Gordon Strachan: On Eric Cantona - If a Frenchman goes on about fishing boats and sardines, he’s a philosopher. I’d just be called a short Scottish bum talking crap. And the best of all: John Lambie (Partick Thistle manager) when told a concussed player didn’t know who he was – ‘great, tell him he’s Pele and get him back out there quick.’
October, 2009 New Article...Joke of the Week! The Mexican maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the increase. She asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?” Wife: “Who said you iron a lot better than me?” Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a much better cook than me?” Maria: “Your husband did.”
Fascinating Fact of the Week!
After intensive studies at the University of Manchester Institute of Science and Technology, it has been found that beer contains many female hormones and I think they are right. Think about it. Personally, after just six pints of Farqharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer, I talk a load of old cobblers and I can't drive! Extemporaneous, crapulous logorrhea! What’s all that about then?
Detailed below are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...
Solicitor: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? Solicitor: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? Solicitor: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of three-dimensional human existences. Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! You can email me on austin.knight@homecall.co.uk now, assume a comical position and strike the pose. Oh, and get back to work! September, 2009 Another Blonde Joke…A blonde school teacher notices a little fat boy in the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
September, 2009 Jokes Jim, but not as we know them….A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to
********************************* The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a
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